the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
