Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
