I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
