Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
