At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Is it because I queefed?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
