I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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