I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
