I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
