i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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