OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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