he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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