So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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