Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
