just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
