when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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