If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
