Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just high enough for therapy.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
