2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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