Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So much rum. So many feels.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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