Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
