Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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