And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
