The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
