3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
