Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
