How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
