Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
