So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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