Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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