Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
