I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
And then he peed in my hair
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