every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
