Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
