so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
