I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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