I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
