I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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