Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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