your parents love me but you hate me
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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