I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
