from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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