She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
