i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
love makes seman taste better
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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