a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
