Everything about him screamed your future.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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