seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
These tits shall not be calmed
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
