found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
