nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
