I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
