if i can run in heels then i can drive
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
the night ended with taco bell and tears
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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