Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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