Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
