and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You should frame my arrest warrant.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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