Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
