I'm passing your future prison.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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