i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
