I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
