the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
