So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize