I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
