so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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