when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
