Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
